Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
