11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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