you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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