What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
