me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
