So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize