Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I didn't shave. On purpose
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
