wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
