legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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