Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
