I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
