Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
