I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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