i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
