so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
