why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
