I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
