Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want nice things and good sex
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
