I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just found puke in my bra..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
