Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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