my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
