turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
