so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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