great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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