mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We are all done wearing pants today
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
