His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
