with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just gift wrapped bread.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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