We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
His nipple licking is glorious
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