Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
