Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
