Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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