saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
