You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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