the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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