Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
