oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
