Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
