she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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