I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
