you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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