i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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