I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
