So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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