Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I faked an abortion last night.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
