There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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