Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
