I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you never un-have a 4some
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