I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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