my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
