I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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