she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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