the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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