Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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