i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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