i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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